*** This account of my testimony was written on Friday, April 25, 2003 at 6 AM in my journal. I had not told anyone about the Lord saving me in my bedroom. God had cleansed my guilty conscience, forgiven me of all my sin, and started a peaceful relationship with me two weeks prior. However, I was afraid to tell anyone because I was already a member of a Baptist church. It took me two weeks to be able to share with the church I was attending that I had been saved by God's grace through the finished work of Jesus Christ. I prayed about how to do it, and the Lord woke me up early one morning and caused my pen to flow. I then read this account that evening around 8 PM at McFerrin Missionary Baptist Church during their spring revival meetings. After I told the church, I called home to tell my parents and grandparents. They were all shocked, but they were so happy that I had a genuine relationship with the Lord Jesus Christ.
I have been lying in my bed thinking about what to say and praying that God will direct me tonight or sometime this weekend. My heart has been so burdened the past two weeks to tell this my testimony of the longsuffering and great love of my Savior Jesus Christ. My heart is trembling even now as I try to write this.
Imagine the woman that had the issue of blood for 12 years. The issue of blood is symbolic of her sin. Well, add one year to the twelve and you have me.
Since I was 9 years old, I have lived a life pretending to know Jesus. I have always been raised in church and attended I don’t know how many revivals. Back to the night of January 20, 1990 during the singing, I was squirming around in my seat. Of course, I could not stay still. My mom should have already known that I had more physical energy than the energizer bunny. I still do on occasion.
That night at a singing at Humbles Chapel Church, my mom for the first time asked me if I was lost. I really dismissed her and continued to sleep or climb under the pews. I was a restless child anyway but my mom had every good intention in pointing me to Jesus.
The gospel was being proclaimed through song, even though I do not remember anything they sang. At the end of the service, all the men and women of the church went to the front and began to pray. It sounded like a host of angels uttering tongues that I could not understand.
For some reason, I began crying in my seat. I don’t know if it was because they were all crying out to God or what, but I somehow went to the altar and tried to be like them. I cried but really don’t remember saying a word. I stayed there for probably 45 minutes or an hour. I am not sure what I was doing unless it was all to show the power, longsuffering, and glory of God. I finally came up from the altar. I had received nothing. I really do not remember asking for anything.
As I turned around, it seemed that there was a multitude of people gathered around me. Note I am a 9-year-old kid surrounded by 20 adults. I can remember my Dad being in the back of the circle, so they led me to him. He asked me if I had been saved. For some reason, I distinctly remembered hesitating and saying, “Yes.”
Everyone began rejoicing and hugging me. I felt better from crying and especially from all of the hugs. I got more than my 8 physical touches to promote good emotional well-being. I felt fantastic.
As the years continued, I continued to go to church. I had joined New Liberty Missionary Baptist church the next day and told them that I felt fantastic. I was 9 and sincere, however I did not know the power of His resurrection in my heart. I began to know Him through my mind, studying in Sunday School, and occasional reading of the Word.
I don’t remember praying very much until revival times. I can remember just as if it was yesterday, the night my 12-year-old sister was saved. I was under the pew that she was praying on asking God to open my eyes. It didn’t happen that night, yet I did get emotionally excited for my sister. Our family circle was now unbroken. At least everyone thought it was. I had convinced myself in my mind that everything was okay. I am sure Satan loved this.
On another occasion, I went to the altar when my cousins, who I had invited, began seeking the Lord. Again, I found myself in the end praying for my own salvation. Another night, one of my teammates was saved. I went up there with him, but I was seeking on my behalf. This happened on numerous occasions.
I was not afraid to go to the altar and pray—revival after revival. I was convicted and sought the Lord. After the revivals were over, I convinced myself with the Devil’s help that I was just fine.
What are the deep things of God anyway? I tried to live right and was a pretty good boy. I came from a strong line of believers. My granddad taught Sunday School and was a deacon and my Dad was the song leader and became a deacon during my high school years. My great grandfather and great great grandfathers were also deacons at my church. It was established in 1851 by my very own family members. It was a small country church, but the power of God met with us there through His Spirit. The heritage was strong, but in the end, it would get me no where.
Thankfully, God works on us on a personal basis. Only we know ourselves. Our parents and friends may think they know us, but God has always known us, before the foundation of this world. He knew that I would be giving this testimony today at this very moment.
As I graduated high school, the Lord allowed me to stay close to home. I attended Union University in Jackson, TN. It was only 45 minutes away from my house, so it allowed me to expand my horizons, yet I could still make a call and get a nourishing meal and fresh clothes. It was a blessing to be that close and still be able to attend New Liberty.
By this time, I had become self-righteous. I read the word of God, read the Christian books halfway through, and prayed more. I remember thinking that I would not make it through college because Jesus would be coming back before then, so I spent what little money that I had because saving was out of the picture. I had worked at a grocery store through high school making $4.25 an hour, so I really didn’t have much. Many days, I wandered through that store asking God to help me. I had to come on His terms, drop my self-righteousness, self-absorption, my pride and fall at His feet. During my college years, God blessed me anyway. I tried to know Him fully, but again it was just in my mind and not a matter of my heart. It wasn’t that I didn’t try. I just let my pride talk me out of being lost. I continued to be in accountability groups. I never shared too deeply except for the common guy struggles that we all had. During my junior summer, I even went on a mission trip to China. I prayed about going and God provided the money. I went with good intentions and proclaimed Jesus and His word, but I was a Pharisee or hypocrite. The Lord dealt with me there. “For I am persuaded, that neither, death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus.” (Romans 8:38,39) His love beckoned me there. I thought I was okay. I was trying to spread His gospel to these hungry people. I know He worked in China because He worked on me. I thought I truly loved Him, but it was just a convincing of my mind. I came back to Tennessee and no one understood or would give me the time to tell them about China. I was frustrated in so many ways. The Lord even allowed me to make Union’s Basketball team. I really wanted to make a difference for His cause. Hopefully, my teammates did see that I was trying to live for the Lord. They were a rough bunch of guys anyway. I finally graduated and took a job in Cool Springs. I did not know where I would live, but God provided a great Christian family in Columbia. God worked on me in that little room. He led that woman to me that I could see her great faith. I was so hungry for God’s Word during that time. I felt like the Ethiopian Eunich. God was still working on me. Where would I go to church now? Are there any Spirit-filled Bible believing churches around here? My friend, Andrew, the pastor of a church back home told me of Bro. Mike Stokes, so I called and asked him where the closest church to Columbia was that I should attend. He told me of his (Longview), but his wife mentioned one off Old Hickory Blvd. Being new to Nashville, I thought this was great. It could not get any better—there was a church 6 miles from my office—only 43 miles from Columbia. Long story short, I became educated on Old Hickory Blvd. and found McFerrin 60 miles down the road. I loved coming to church here. The people had a genuine love for you and the Lord. The Spirit of God was here because He was convicting my soul. I spent four restless nights at the Tennessee Baptist Children’s’ Home during revival. My friend worked there so I packed enough clothes for the week in order to attend and saved myself on driving. God continued to deal with me on and off. I spent many miserable hours working in my office and driving home trying to cry out. I stayed up at night reading and trying to plead with God. On one night, lightning struck a tree outside my window at 2:00 Am. I know God was telling me to wake up. I was lost, lonely, and hopeless. I knew very few people and found hope in this church. I continued to wonder and wander, lonely, and miserable in my heart. I still enjoyed life, my family and friends, but my heart was dark.
I tried and tried to be helpful, encourage, and do whatever I thought the Lord would be pleased with. I even played with an awesome group of basketball players. They needed a point guard, so I fit right in. Skipping ahead to the Men’s Retreat. It was one of the sweetest things I have ever been involved in. I loved those men, their testimonies, and their sincerity to know God more. Everyone seemed to open up. Luckily, on Friday night, I was almost last. I debated over and over what to tell them about my salvation. I looked up to them and watched them as they cared for and loved their wives, children, and church. I told them of what was a time and place in my life. My eyes were beginning to open more and more as God began dealing with me.
I lay in my two bed room apartment by myself. The storm came and lightning struck close once again throughout the night. It was so symbolic of my soul. Dark and scary. God was saying wake up. I learned so much that weekend. We must pray, read God’s Word, attend church, and give of our tithes and time. I started off hot. I was 2 for 2 on Sunday, but church attendance would not do anything for me either. On Sunday afternoon, I was washing clothes, ironing, and cleaning up in my apartment. The Lord was saying, you need to go to church. I wanted to be fed or learn more about what I should do. My heart was so heavy that night. I dismissed in prayer and asked God to uproot the sin and walls in my callused heart. Please make it tender. I continued praying after the service. I began to desire to have a desire to be the best Bible reader and studier there was and to have the greatest desire of any man to be like Jesus. I went to bed or laid there and between 1:00 and 2:00 AM, I lay prostrate on the floor begging God to have mercy on a sinner like me. I was a Pharisee, very legalistic, and hypocritical. I had no hope. My life would be lived in vain. I would never be led by His Spirit. I would never know true happiness and joy. I would be miserable. I would be alone, because I did not want to be involved in a relationship because it would not be focused on God. Maybe in my mind, but not in my heart. I desired God and promised Him my all. Whatever He wanted me to do. I was at the end of my rope in the pit of despair. I begged and begged and listed all my sins that I could think of to ask forgiveness of and the ones I could not think of. I lay there in silence, waiting and hoping that He would hear my prayer. I finally got back in my bed and lay there pleading. I became silent and saw myself getting up from an altar. A few moments later, I felt a cool gentle breeze sweep through my body. It was not audible or anything that I had expected. A cool gentle breeze of peace was my assurance. I raised up in my bed and ask God, “Is this it.” I distinctly felt like Paul. It felt that the shackles had fallen from my eyes (2:21 AM).
I jumped out of bed and began praising my God and Savior throughout my apartment. I wanted to test my eyes because I felt that I had super vision. My heart was quickened and made alive. I opened my bible and it opened to Matthew, Chapter 10. At the top, it said conditions of discipleship. I read verse 38, “He that findeth his life shall lose it: and he that loseth his life for my sake shall find it.” The very verse that I struggled with last summer now has meaning to my life. I ended up getting four hours of sleep that night but woke energized, refreshed, knowing that I now a child of God. The ladies at work thought I had smoked something on the way in. It was the Spirit of God flowing through my veins.
“Brethren, I count not my self to have apprehended; but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forth unto those things which are before. I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 3:13,14
